Musings from a detective: Unholy Matrimony (Part 3 of 3)

Thus far I've covered the divorce angle and investigator needs from a bit of a distance.

I've mentioned the needs of the detective. I've discussed  women.

Now let's talk about men.

And here we are going to keep it short and sweet.

Most of the time, men need to...

Stop...

Being...

Passive.

Yes, passive. As in absolutely unable...

To make...

A freaking...

Decision.

I'm emphasizing this. Maybe even over-emphasizing the point (a little). But typically when a male approaches this investigator, the conversation runs as follows:

"Honestly, I'm still in a bit of shock."

(And this is said even if the divorce proceedings and child custody battle have already run on for years).

"I just want this to be as painless as possible."

(Which is not the way to make the divorce proceedings pain free, I assure you).

"She is not observing child custody rules."

(Mothers are mothers. Good or bad, they want their child in their home and by their side--at all times).

"I can't believe she's acting like this."

Oh no. Now comes the sob story.

And I really don't want to hear it.

Sad, eh? But that's the straight truth. But here is also the truth--and maybe what I'm going to write will come across as cynical, sexist, rife with stereotype or even chauvinistic, but men have huge issues with understanding that no matter your private conversations, no matter your mutual agreement to keep things civil--your idealistic belief that both of you have the best interests of your child in mind--everything will change as soon as lawyers become involved. And I mean every freaking thing.

Once the lawyer files (and it will almost always be her lawyer first) this battle--and it will be a battle--will become formal and unpleasant.

(Ed. note-- no, I am not saying that you should keep lawyers out of it. By all means lawyer up and lawyer up hard. You will need the help because your soon-to-be-ex will have the best lawyer her money can buy, but we'll get to that shortly.)

Now where was I? Right. Formal and unpleasant. This is the reality when filings are filed. You are now stepping into a life-changing battle that will likely greatly influence your happiness, quality of life, finances and the future well-being of your child. Men often do not understand that--and certainly they are less often than women prepared to do what it takes (and this means anything) to win.

And no matter how controversial it is to say this, there is an entire cottage industry of lawyers that has realized this, which very much caters to women, and which, in my opinion, is not afraid to be unscrupulous as proceedings move forward.

Toss in a few emotions, the tendency of lovers to be overly-dramatic, and across the region the following is often how said proceedings play out:

• The husband and wife decide to part ways. The child's well-being is paramount. As noted, both will decide the divorce should be as painless and mutual as possible.
• The husband basically does nothing but find another place to live. The wife's family meanwhile is outraged and throws in their full support, and often this includes funding a very capable (and sometimes vicious) lawyer.
• The husband continues to do nothing, but is then surprised that accusations of pushing and shoving arise (after accusations that he often shouted at both the woman and the child). He may remember nothing of the kind. Maybe there was nothing of the kind.
• The husband is hit with criminal accusations tantamount to assault. He frankly can't believe it. He finally finds a lawyer. Maybe he finds a detective and prattles on , generally wasting time (because he orders nothing).
• The husband is hit with a criminal filing of improperly touching the child (which is still child molestation). This accusation is almost always tied to the male improperly touching the child in the bath. Frankly, this happens so often that Yours Truly typically sees this as a frame-up. Often the police see this as a frame-up. In my opinion, the lawyers (especially the lawyer filing for the wife) see this as a frame up. Oddly, the wife typically starts to believe the frame up as true, whether anything happened or not.
• The police at this point must conduct full investigations. This also means that the curator appointed is highly likely to recommend a suspension of unaccompanied visitation rights on the part of the husband, and somewhere along the way the young child will be interviewed by a psychologist/psychiatrist. The child probably will be confused by these questions, as whatever touching took place took place in the bath. Meanwhile, as possession is 99 percent of the law, the fact that custody is de facto 100 percent now on the mother's side will weigh heavily as the divorce proceedings and child custody battle moves forward (judges do not want to remove a child from a "stable" situation at home).

And believe it or not, the male in the aforementioned scenario... typically does nothing.

Honestly, I've seen this again and again. I've also yet to meet a male in such a situation whom I believed to have assaulted the woman or child or be a child molester. I've never actually seen a conviction either (possibly because my clients in general are quite good people).  But what I have seen is that said strategy--and I believe that the above strategy is entirely premeditated and fictitious--does work against the male, and it does cost him in terms of child-custody rights, alimony levels and his future relationship with his child.

Let's just say that it is difficult to undo what has been said and done--and, this is something that women should also keep in mind, as again, divorce is for life. In fact, on two separate occasions female clients have discussed past divorce proceedings and asked if there was now something I could do to motivate the father to spend more time with his child. On both occasions it turned out that said husband had been battered with the above strategy, had spent time at police stations and been grilled by cops and prosecutors, and although said accusations were dropped... yes, said fathers were humiliated, angry, and honestly just worn out by the whole process.

In other words, the women won, the fathers lost, and said fathers then resigned to do as little as possible partly because they simply did not want to be accused of such nonsense ever again.

Short-term thinking is like that.

And here I mean also on the father's side. In fact, the strategy I would advise is to be pro-active. Lawyer up fast. Conduct surveillance on the mother. Find the dirt and document it (if it is there). This might include the fact that the wife is not actually spending time with the child. Possibly, she is dating another man--and you absolutely should conduct a background check on the new man in her life in order to make sure your child is secure. Possibly, the wife smokes hash or dabbles in harder drugs. In fact, she might still be a great mother (smoking pot does not mean this is not true), but your goal is not to judge, but to document in order to protect yourself and stop the insanity. In other words, protect yourself and be ready for false accusations. Later, you can negotiate from a position of strength, which means you are not only protecting yourself but also you are looking out for the rights of your child, but more than that: you are laying down a foundation that ill enable you as a male to spend quality time with your child instead of passively allowing unfounded accusations that will put that in jeopardy.

After all, you can always be nice later--once the battle is over. And you might be surprised that nipping chaos and false accusations in the bud will actually one day allow all of you to once again...

Talk.

Trust me on this one. You'll thank me later. Your soon-to-be ex might too.

Preston Smith is a licensed investigator based in Gdansk, Poland. He can be reached at query@cddi.pl.

Photo credit: still from the American drama film Sherlock Holmes (1922) with John Barrymore, on page 41 of the May 13, 1922 Exhibitors Herald.Goldwyn Pictures, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.