Musings from detective—unholy matrimony (Part 1 of at least 3)

Marriage. ‘Till death do us part.

For some of us anyway. (And sometimes deaths are even a bit suspicious, but we’ll come back to that in another blog).

Today—in part for my own sanity—I’m going to post a few tips and words of not advice, but what to expect in terms of dealing with a detective should you suspect infidelity from your spouse (at least in this part of the world).

First, a quick caveat. As I’m writing this I’m taking into consideration primarily the Polish reality, although matrimonial cases are remarkably the same the world over. I should also say that even though the essence of most cases are similar, they also are often similar with respect that male clients tend to act one way and female clients another. So yes, I am stereotyping a bit, but just a bit.

Second, I must admit that I do not make it a habit to seek out divorce cases. They can be good money or they can eat up unbelievable amounts of time. Ok. So can any case. But for the most part I focus on pre-transaction or deep HR investigations or corporate litigation support.

But now that the caveats are out of the way, here are a few quick truths: first, both female and male “matrimonial” clients typically need either proof of an extramarital affair or proof of habits or activities that rule out custody of a child.

Second… and here is we get a bit controversial, but I think we can all agree that men and women are very different. So let’s talk genders, starting with the (paying) male client. Very, very often this client is rather shy about approaching a detective or even a lawyer for help—and when he does it is often late in the game. Typically, male clients have already 1) lost custody of their child 2) already been accused of at least a light version of assault (although it is often worse than that) and 3) most of the time they simply want an amicable solution that allows contact with their son or daughter. But important to note is that when it comes to point 2, they are almost always 100 percent, absolutely and completely innocent. (This is a point that I will cover in Part 2).

With regard to female clients, very often they are either hitting their 40s or early 50s; they are often somewhat well-to-do (and sometimes that is the result of a monthly stipend from said husband), and quite often they are EXTREMELY angry at said, highly successful husband who has had one dalliance too many with a female compadre at work. Occasionally, there is the far younger female client who desperately wants custody of her child, but who is almost always also desperately poor. Rarely is there a client who has actually been struck or beaten by her partner—although it does happen.

In fact, both male and female clients that fall into the above categories get my sympathy. They have quite literally been screwed over, and the pain that might have long been submerged is just coming to the surface, and in truth it is just beginning.

I hate to see it, to be honest. But hey, detectives are people too.

Then there are the screw-up clients—the male who literally needs at least once in a while buy a condom (as he has gotten multiple women pregnant) is a good example. The woman who suddenly wants to spend her nights at discos or gets addicted to drugs is another. They are typically easy to spot, as they basically have evil intentions. The male wants freedom and he does not want to pay for it. (Often he doesn’t want to pay much for surveillance either). The female wants anything that resembles any form of revenge. Neither are good business and from the point of view of Yours Truly, it’s better to give them the high hat and walk away.

But let’s jump back to clients who are typically quite sincere and need help. And let’s assume that is you. With regard to the reticent male, he often appears as an executive who approaches a detective with “a private matter.” This is instantly recognized as a pending divorce, and much of the time the hardest part of the job is convincing said client that I’m not here to judge. Really.

In other words, have no fear. There is no reason to be nervous or upset or to feel as if you have just stepped into confession. This is not because I, or really any other detective is a saint. In fact… when it comes to the business at hand, I’m just not interested. Who is really at fault, who fell out of love first, etc., is simply not part of the task. Neither is marriage counseling. You can tell me what I need to know, and we’ll go. And you might be surprised that I don’t need to know that much.

This is the same with female clients. Here the hardest task is often convincing said clientette that I really do not need to hear the whole story. Yeah, maybe he’s gotten fat. Maybe he burps at night. Really, it’s of no interest to me or any other detective whatsoever.

So what is it that I actually do need from you, the client?

In fact, in almost 100 percent of all cases, a good detective only needs three things. A recent photo (that really does resemble the subject). The make and license plate number of the vehicle. The subject’s work address and from where and what time he/she leaves to go to work in the morning.

Sure, cases can vary. If there is a current girlfriend or boyfriend, that photo, car, address, etc., can be of great help. Or maybe he or she “lives at the gym.” Etc. But you get the point. And yes, we may hit you with further questions. But again—we are not asking to dig into your private life. Instead we are seeking “jump off points.” From where does the target leave in the morning. At what time does he return (usually) in the evening. When does he seem to vanish? Do you have photos of the dalliance or a name we can run on social media?

The jump-off points are  needed, as it makes no sense to wait outside an office tail someone who has already left. But that’s usually just about. The end goal is to 1) accomplish the job at hand and gain admissible evidence and 2) in order to do that, said detective needs to remain discrett, conduct legal activities and also protect his/her client’s privacy.

So again, have no fear.  For again, we are primarily seeking jump-off points, as 99.9 percent of the time surveillance is what the client needs.

That’s really it. Most of the time that’s all it comes down to, all you need to tell us. You suspect your husband or wife of infidelity. And here is the photo, the make of car, the license plate and his/her weekly schedule. If you have a photo of the “third party,” great. If so or if not, we’ll discuss terms, sign a detective contract and off we go.

Honestly, that whole process often need not take more than 30 or 40 minutes. In my opinion, a detective billing you for “description time” is either bilking you for extra cash OR—and this is important—protecting his own time, as very, very often a client wants to waste hours on his/her life story and the general tragedy of marriage. If you fall into the latter category, yeah, pay up. Time is money.

Now it may seem like Yours Truly (and hopefully your favorite consulting detective) is making this sound just a bit too simple. And the truth is no, but… yes. For there are occasionally outside factors that greatly complicate the lives of both parties—and these come in the form of friends, family and advisors, curators, thugs, organized crime and the courts. In short, life does sometimes get complicated. But we’ll get to that in Part 2, as complicated does mean complicated.

But in the meantime, if you do need help, simple is the key. Simple gets things started. Simple gets things done.

And have no fear.

But yeah, I know you are waiting on Part 2 because honestly, when I really think about it… simple happens a bit less often than you’d like to think.

Photo credit: still from the American drama film Sherlock Holmes (1922) with John Barrymore, on page 41 of the May 13, 1922 Exhibitors Herald.Goldwyn Pictures, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.