Musings from detective—unholy matrimony (Part 2 of at least 3)

Now for… Part 2 of our matrimonial detective series, and let’s go “ladies first.”

Primarily because things will actually become a bit more complicated with the men.

First, if you are catching this late, here is the scenario from the (admittedly stereotypical) female client’s point of view.

Either the husband has hit his midlife crisis (often combined with the  mutual empty nest), and said female has had enough, or said female is fighting for custody (typically) because the relatively young marriage has fallen apart, and she desperately wants to care for her child.

The caveat here, of course, is that there may be many shades of wrongdoing, mutual accusations, guilt or even abuse in between, but let’s skip that for now and address what is likely to come up.

First, in the second, younger couple scenario, there is very, very often there is an unhappy mother, father (and possibly grandmother) involved. This is normal, as the woman’s family sees her as a baby who has had a baby. Or put more succinctly, their baby who has had a baby. Yet the issue here is that often the family adds to already inflamed emotions and is out to fight—which does make negotiations difficult.

This sometimes results in the woman’s family setting out to find a hard-nosed lawyer set on gaining the ultimate in alimony plus overwhelming custody of the child.

Now this is not always the wrong thing to do. At all. But where the rubber hits the road is the choice of lawyer. Highly competent is one thing. Hard-nosed to be hard-nosed is another—and here again the emotional aspect is difficult to deal with (for lawyers a well). As is the temptation to exaggerate.

Here I mean the following: philandering becomes interpreted as visiting prostitutes. Shouting is interpreted as very foul-mouthed verbal abuse, and a shouting match between spouses is often slanted to include the child. Grabbing of an arm in a “listen to me” type of argument becomes interpreted as an all-out physical beating.

And it gets worse.

Not again, not saying that dabbling with prostitutes, as well as emotional and physical abuses does not happen. Men are capable of very ugly things. But the key here for the  woman is to keep it truthful and report what has happened (or his happening) and not exaggerate.

Why? First, police, curators and even your private detective have seen it all before. Trust me, they will detect exaggeration—and as soon as said exaggeration is detected, you as a woman has lost what can be key backing as your divorce and child custody case moves forward.

Or let me put it this way: in this day and age women who are beaten or physically abused have bruises, and usually they take photos of bruises. Children who have been verbally abused behave differently than others in school.

And family members who are trying to help—even if getting honestly emotional because their daughter has honestly been wronged—simply cannot keep their stories straight.

Not to be clear: the point here is not to join the long history of women being doubted in the courts on everything from physical assault to rape. The point is that the reality is what the reality is. Police are INUNDATED with matrimonial disputes that got out of hand or supposedly got out of hand. Curators are INUNDATED with child custody cases that are laced with accusation that run from verbal abuse to sexual molestation. They have seen it all, heard it all, and yes, they recognize the real thing. Just as the recognize the angles used when there really is not the real thing but one part or the other is trying to win in court.

And all it takes is a tiny exaggeration for police, curators, judges—and private detectives—to chalk this one up as “just another one of those.”

Finally, when it comes to your detective, if you want us on the case, we need to know the reality. Much of the time we need to conduct surveillance, but surveillance is… expensive. We will need to include our surveillance photos and a time line in the detective report, which means that if your partner is actually a good dad, that will be seen if we sit on his head when he gets time with the child. This may not negate the fact that he has a side girl, but in the end your exaggeration is your money and you are not spending it well.

And if the girlfriend is described as a whore (as in literally a prostitute) and Yours Truly conducts surveillance on said supposed prostitute… either we will tape her meeting Johns or we will tape her doing not much of anything apart from being a typical woman. She will talk on the phone. She will go shopping. She will walk the dog. And again, those are hours you are paying for when in fact we could probably just kill two birds with one stone and follow your errant husband and document that yes, he and the girlfriend do meet and head to various hotels together.

For here is the truth: in most countries in CEE when it comes to matrimonial cases the courts are already weighted toward women. Which means that yes, women usually win, and if they have competent lawyers they get alimony (although in Poland this can be low), and if alimony is not paid, men (especially in Poland in light of recent legal changes) go to jail.

They also are more likely to get full custody, and to be honest, they are more likely to get a mere wink from the courts or curators if they bend custody rules or simply do not follow them at all.

Likewise, even pretty good dads do stupid things. They get on the phone and talk about business and do not keep an eye on the child. They take the child to the park, and their buddies show up so they share a beer. They panic when a kid darts for the street, grab his arm and yank to hard and hurt him—and wind up on tape.

Or they have slutty girlfriends during a mid-life crisis—and that sluttiness also gets caught on tape. And yes, judges are people too. They know a slut when they see one, and no, they typically do no want to put a child in the care of women who simply do not want to care for a child.

On the other hand, the highly negative flip-side can backfire in tragic fashion. In other words, mutual accusations get out of hand. And police have to take them seriously. And the more serious  they becomes—especially if accompanied by shouting matches or worse—the more likely that the curator steps in. Which could mean loss of child custody for both sides.

Which in the end means… play it  straight. By all means, if real abuse has taken place, tell the truth. We’ll help you find a lawyer, gain protection and protect your child. But if a divorce is simply a divorce, also tell the truth. And either way keep it between you and your lawyer and try (for your own sanity’s sake) to keep your mom and dad at arm’s length.

And finally, be fair. To your soon-to-be-former husband. Marriage may not always be forever, but divorce certainly is, and all of you will have to adjust and live with it. Which means, yes, get your alimony, get custody to the level that provides safety and stability for your child, but… really, play it straight. If you are female and you have been wronged, that attitude will go a long, long way.

 

Preston Smith is a licensed investigator based in Gdansk, Poland. He can be reached at query@cddi.pl

Photo credit: still from the American drama film Sherlock Holmes (1922) with John Barrymore, on page 41 of the May 13, 1922 Exhibitors Herald.Goldwyn Pictures, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.